More Mabesian Ramblings

So, I’m sitting here at work, not really doing much of anything except waiting on a group of Students from Sherwood Elementary school in Springfield to show up so I can talk to them briefly. I still don’t think I’ve caught up on sleep from the weekend, and I stayed up late again last night due to an extra inning Cardinals game, followed by the browsing of music on YouTube. Hopefully, my lack of desire to be here won’t hinder my ability to at least teach these 4^th graders just a little something.

I’ve started a new medicine to (hopefully) correct the minor problem there seems to be on the right side of the brain, which could be causing my seizures. I’ll just have to wait and see whether or not this new stuff actually works. This is actually the first Thursday in a month that I won’t be going to St. Louis. The first three were for doctor visits at Barnes-Jewish, and then of course, last week for the infamous bachelor party. Even though I’m at work, it feels good knowing that I won’t have to bolt this afternoon for another appointment. I just can’t emphasize enough how badly and desperately I want this seizure problem to go away. I feel like there’s so much more for me to do out there in the world, then to sit in an office in Jefferson City, Missouri and talk to 4^th graders about various aspects of our state’s history. Oh sure, I love history, but watering it down for 4^th graders isn’t exactly my cup of tea. I badly want to finish school and go on to bigger and better things, because I am 100% certain that God didn’t put me on this earth for what I’m doing now. I just have to figure out exactly what that reason is. From a personal standpoint, I would love to live in someplace like Nashville, TN or Austin, TX for a little while, and just wet my feet in the music business. Maybe it would work out and maybe it wouldn’t, but I badly want the experience, if nothing else. At the end of the day though, I still find myself struggling with what it is that I want to do. I like and have a passion for so many different things, and I know all of those things could lead me to so many different places, I just want to know what it is that I want to do/should be doing.  This isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy aspects of my job at the Capitol, or that I haven’t enjoyed the experience of being the music director at a church, because I have. What I am saying is that I don’t want to get stuck here. I want something more. I just don’t know what that “something” is, and it drives me crazy. I constantly feel like am just spinning my tires and that one day isn’t any different than the next, and in the end I feel like that if something doesn’t change quickly, I’ll be stuck here doing the same thing forever. I don’t want that. Not that I don’t like Jeff City or Mid-Missouri, because I do. If my passion or eventual career keeps me hear, that’s fine. I love the area and I love the state. However, it still doesn’t stop me for yearning for something more.

Side note, it’s now 11:38 AM, and the kids were supposed to be here at 11:30. No phone call yet, though if I had to bet, I’d say they’re not going to show up. They’re the only thing on my schedule all day, so if they don’t show, I’ll just end up sitting here reading and playing solitaire. Wait….I hear voices outside. It is a teacher giving orders. Going to put this on hold for a while.

Ok, well that actually went surprisingly well. They were a well-behaved group of kids, but that was probably partially due to the fact that they’ve already tromped around half of Jeff City and had a capitol tour and a governor’s mansion tour and appeared to be pretty tuckered out. But, I think they learned a few things. Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make a couple of paragraphs ago, I guess I just need to be patient and pray, and hopefully, if I do that, the right answer regarding what I need to do or what I’m supposed to do or what I want to do, or a combination of the three will eventually show up. I just know I do have goals and dreams that only a few years ago seemed very close or at least very attainable, and now seem farther away then at any point in my life. A career that I love, a wife, etc, all of those things seem far away; but again, patience and prayer. In the meantime, I’ll continue to work here in good ‘ol JC and work towards finishing school until the right doors begin to open up, and, hopefully, the seizures stop happening (because not driving sucks…and having seizures sucks).

Also, as of today, I’m going to begin work on another goal. It’s called “Get Back To The Size I Was When I Started College”, or at least really close. For real. I’m going to make sure this attempt lasts longer than a couple of weeks. There was no reason for this to get this out of control in the first place, and I’m going to make sure it ends. I’ll count on my friends to help rather than hinder this effort…

I’d probably better get back to actually “working” now. Maybe I can go fishing tonight. Speaking of night, that Cards game last night was really frustrating. I hate taking a lead into the 9^th inning, blowing it, then losing in extras. That’s what happened last night. Salas had been nails until last night, so I guess he was going to blow a save at one point or another. Even Rivera does that from time to time. Hopefully we can rebound tonight in the finale of this 4 game series against the Giants. Anyway, that’s all the “Mabesian Thoughts” running through my head for the time being. So, yeah real work time.